mitch hedberg

"I like buying snacks from a vending machine because food is better when it falls. Sometimes at the grocery, I'll drop a candy bar so that it will achieve its maximum flavor potential." - mitch hedberg

"I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refridgerator, blender....all you do is say what the shit does, and add "er". I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps shit fresh. Well that's a fresher....I'm going on break." - mitch hedberg